The Beginning Seed Before The CoffeeTree of Life
How many times did I hear 'you should write' from many of my loving and very biased friends. So, here I am doing the unthinkable and sharing the whispers of my heart with the entire internet world. Ok, I just got a bit freaked out as a wave of panic slapping at my head/ego, as if to say 'What are thinking? Why would you do such a thing...post for the world to see? Haven't I taught you better?' Goodnight Ms Ego, Goodnight...
Seriously, was first written seed of inspiration was inspired back in second or third grade when my teacher told us to go write a fun story based on someone we knew. I panicked big time. I remember me sitting at my little wood oversized desk attached to a gray chair like device. As I sat there with a pencil in my hand and a sheet of paper with the two blue ruled lines divided with a red dotted line down the middle of them, I panicked, 'this will be read in class' 'other's will be so much better than mine' and a brain freeze occurred from ego induced panic brought on my my 'over-thinking'. Then, I gained composure and started to think of how I was going to bull shit (my words now) my way through this horrible assignment. The story of Paul Bunyan came to mind. I remembered how while we were reading the story in class that it reminded me of my dad. And all the connections started to be made. Happy Day! Inspiration was found! The words poured out of me faster than my little hands could write. I even remember the feeling of sadness as the flow slowed down and the time to end my story was drawing to a close and I ended it with THE END. Assignment finished and turned in with a huge feeling of relief.
Later that week when all our stories were passed back to us in class, one was held back. One the teacher thought was particularly nice and wanted to share it with the entire class. That story was mine. I was horrified to have that unsolicited attention. I seriously thought of the small hole beneath my chair and how I would love to just crawl inside it however, that was just a day dream. Then reality popped it's ugly head up and I was given the honor to read it to the class, "What? Even more attention?" It was too much, I felt pride and embarrassment. It was just more than I thought I deserved. My teacher even had the nerve to write a wonderful encouraging note on my paper for my parents to read. My parents didn't need any more encouragement to think I was special. OMG! my dad called me his little fart blossom, that should tell you a lot ;D
Anywho, that assignment led by inspiration inspired my first writing as I made connection after connection and the story of Big Taco Bob came to be. All my family and especially my dad were so proud of the amazing story that I had written. Everyone went on and on about how a brilliant writer I may someday be. However, all I kept thinking and still thought until just a moment ago, of how my story was not so impressive because I used another story to base my story off of. I didn't feel honor or pride, I felt anything but. I felt like I stole something and changed it to make it appear to be mine.I held that secret in my heart and my mind until just this moment of this writing. That memory tainted my confidence in my ability to write and bring the reader into my world as I saw it. I was so young and my worst critic. Little did I know was that I got inspired by everything and everyone around me. I was inspired by words, thoughts or even a rain drop dangling from a leaf and those inspirations were felt and held deeply in my young heart in a place that I never explored until...Big Taco Bob (I can still hear my dad's roar of joy as he read my story of him), was inspired by the story of Paul Bunyan and as an adult I now realize that everyone knew that. It really wasn't a secret, because it was flat out obvious of where I got my inspiration from. I was inspired both by my father and a well known story. And because of all that inspiration I expressed my deep love, honor and respect for my father through a story. All my love was captured and expressed through my writing as my words translated what was deeply hidden in my heart. The story itself wasn't was so impressive, it was simple, cute and very entertaining. What was so incredibly impressive was the ability for a child to have such an understanding of her heart and be able to express it so clearly through her writing. I now understand as I look through my adult eyes through to the child's heart.
Call it wisdom, maturity or whatever floats your boat, finally after all these years I have come to realize that it wasn't the story that won the hearts over, it was my ability to express my understanding that was so very deep from within myself. It was my ability to see someone's true heart and have be able to capture what I saw, what I felt into words in a way for others to understand what was deep within my heart, my soul. It had nothing to do with the vehicle I used to deliver the message, it had everything to do with what the message.
Little did I know that that was really the beginning, it would be the seed that would take root and grow into something I never dreamed possible. I never dreamed that I would expose myself, my heart, my soul and share my heart whispers so openly and honestly for the world to see.
